trying not to go crazy about it

So, I am officially "not dieting" at the moment.  Due to ongoing annoying persistent illnesses of various types (stomach flu, bronchitis, menstrual cramps,) I have decided to nourish my body back to health by eating healthfully, rather than knocking it down and commanding it to lose weight already.  Maybe it's the start of one of my "self healing new-age phases."

This annoys my husband.  No, I still have not read "The China Study."  Instead, I am reading "Energy Medicine," and trying to clean out my chakras.  I think it might even work, I mean, if I didn't have kids who yell and need to be driven everywhere and who need to eat all the time, and then get changed in and out of various uniforms, like, if I could actually get some rest, yes, it might even work.

Not dieting is challenging.  Because then I may say to myself, "Hey, I'm not dieting, I can eat that."

But I can't eat that, really I know that.  Sometimes I find my stomach growling and dizziness approaching, because I've waited so long to eat something.  Because it's almost easier to just not deal with food, than to figure out what to eat that will not make me gain weight after this damn low carb "diet."

Eight pounds, that's it!

That's all that I seem to have lost during this whole dieting experience.  But, I will say, that my waist is curving in more at the sides, my belt is on it's smallest notch, and my clothes fit better.  Also, I never really seemed to get in to the groove of exercising that is necessaryy to lose much weight.  Apart from the couple of weeks before the nasty stomach bug when I started walking every day and doing some Wii fit, there was always some reason not to exercise.

What will happen now?  Today I'm just laying in bed with hot tea, I feel like I'm on the verge of getting bronchitis, and I have menstrual cramps.  I've also lost me sense of humor, hopefully this will be temporary as well.  Anyways, there doesn't seem to be any chance of my moving more than necessary, it seems.  It's always a question, will exercising when I feel like this help me or make me more sick?  Sigh.....

that's just fine, stomach bug, cause I wanted carbs ANYWAY

So naneey naney poo poo to you.  Because my tummy still hurts from puking my guts out two days ago, I have had to say "to hell with it" as far as low carb eating.  FINE.  See if I care.  Cause I'm going to the Jersey Shore, and I'm gonna eat at Surf Taco, and I can actually enjoy my tacos for once!  Not that I'm going to get the hot sauce or anything like that, but I can actually eat a taco, while enjoying the shell.  Yum.

Yeah, I'm a little worried about how bloated my stomach is becoming, and why it still hurts, and...have I done some sort of permanent damage to myself by eating low carb for so long?  I mean, I have lost weight, my clothes are looser, I even have to return some summer things that I bought a month ago.

Oh well, maybe if I keep eating carbs I'll keep the clothes and just have a chubby ass summer!

the stomach bug did me in, for real this time

Nowhere in the "Protein Power" book, do I see anything about what you are supposed to do when you are puking your guts out, or the day after.  The thought of eating a hot dog today is about as appealing as the dead bug I see upside down on my bedside table, only I'm too weak to do anything about it.

So much for the low carb diet for now.  How am I supposed to do that when I can only pretty much eat afew crackers and half of a banana?

Truthfully, I'm sick of it all anyway.  I would like to lose weight, but I'm damn sick of dieting.  I can do without sugar and junk food, but I just want to eat like a normal person again.

Eating in bed

It's my dirty secret, eating in bed.  I love it.  I think it's some sort of regression, back to my teenage years, when I would lay in bed in the morning and pretend to be sick.  Then after my mom went to work (sorry mommy!), I would pull out my secret stash of yodels, turn on the Howard Stern show, and revel in my comfort.  I loved that feeling, of not being at school, eating chocolate, and listening to the sometimes slightly scandelous Stern.

I am such a hypocrite.  Here I am with my plate of meatloaf mush and pureed cauliflower, which is pretending to be mashed potatoes, sitting right next to me on the new comforter.   Yes, the new one!  If anyone else in my household so much as thought of eating a crumb in their beds, (unless they have a bad sickness,)  they know there will be hell to pay.  Hell, in this house, you can't even get away with not sitting down at the table for snacks.  No living room eating, no standing up eating, no floor eating, no no no.

Maybe that's why, when I found my 11 year old's secret candy drawer, I pretended not to know about it.
Life is full of contradictions.

Battle of the books

He keeps shoving it in my hand, oh gee, how funny and charming it is (sarcasm).  I have a good argument, no?  That he hasn't read any of the books I've read over the past 10 years that have shaped my diet to what it is now?!!!  Fine.  I agree, I will read your book, "The China Study,"  IF you read mine.

Now the question is, what are my books?  There have been so many, which have led to various cookbooks of various and opposing philosophies.  I went through the grains and beans phase, I've got "Skinny Bitch" (catchy title!)  I've got lots of Moosewood (which I still love,) but the mother of my book collection that is what finally and completely made sense to me is "Real Food" by Nina Planck.  I just love her.  Reading this book was one of those "aha" moments.  It finally made sense!!  Especially since I have been through so many food phases, as she herself had as well.  I also grabbed my copy of "Pasture Perfect" but it's been so long that I can't remember what it says.

I should add that by "diet philosophy," I mean what I eat when I am trying just to maintain weight, rather than to lose it, as I am now.  Although the low carb approach can sort of fit in with the Real Food/grassfed meat approach, kinda sorta.

Also, our two dieting philosophies don't disagree on everything, there are actually some common intersecting ideas, which are the obvious ones:  don't eat sugar, don't eat refined crap like white bread and rice, don't eat processed crap with added crap like corn syrup and chemicals and, of course, don't eat crap.

Did I mention that I married a lawyer?

Well here I go, I better study up for my case and review my facts, because a showdown's a comin around.

what the f*((&*&*((&* is wrong with my husband???

So kiddo 1.0 comes home looking upset and says his stomach is really hurting him, so I assume it's the dreaded stomach bug, and hustle him upstairs to the toilet.  When he doesn't throw up immediately, I tuck him into bed with the big metal throw up bowl, towels, and rinsing water.

"Ow."  He clutches his stomach.  "It really hurts."  I decide if he doesn't throw up right away, maybe some bland crackers will soothe his tummy, just a couple though. 

He wolfs them down.

Okay, how about some applesauce, some ginger cookies to soothe the nausea?  Hell yeah, he wolfs them down too, stops crying, and looks a big more optimistic.  "How's your tummy now?"  I ask.  Apparently it's getting better by the second.  He bounds downstairs saying, "wow, that applesauce was GOOD."

Oh. My. He doesn't have the stomach bug, he was hungry.  So hungry that he was suffering from, apparently unfamliar, extreme hunger pains!  "What did you have for lunch?" I ask......"Only half a sandwich and one chicken strip, that's all that daddy packed for me.  Plus just half a bowl of cereal for breakfast."   I am rage.  This preteen, who has grown through two clothing sizes in the past six months, needs calories!  He needs fuel!  He needs to eat, dammit!  He is not a vegan or a dieter!

Now, dad is not the kind of parent that I would call neglectful or abusive at all, unlike those very sad and horrifying cases that we hear about in the news.  This is a man who reads shelfloads of books about proper medical and emotional development of children at every age and follows it to the tee. 

So it makes little sense, that kiddo was suffering from hunger pains!  So I submit this as further evidence that, the vegan diet has driven my husband insane.  I mean, what (otherwise) sane person does stuff like that?!

the kids are not on a damn diet, and they are not vegan either!

It's okay for them to have whole milk, eggs, and meat.  They are not on a diet, dammit.  Stop trying to make them into starving supermodels and stunt their growth.  When they are grown up enough, they can make their own decisions.  Like how, in my 20's I lived on white pasta and paid the price for it but it was my decision and that's the way it goes. 

It's not like I feed them cookies all day, no I don't give them crap to eat, we don't even keep crap in the house.  The grains are whole grains, the chicken is free range, the veggies are organic.  Sure, I wish they eat salad, but what kid eats salad?  Actually, I have to admit I have seen some kids eat salad and for me it was like witnessing a miracle.

They are growing, if they are hungry, let them eat!!!!!!  Am I so wrong?

hey kiddo, when you're at school, I'll play your video games

Now, go to school and learn stuff, so I can stay home and play Wii fit!  Yes, while you are bored in math class, I will be comparing the statistics of my ultimate high schore on the obstacle coarse, and see if I beat any 11 year olds in the boxing challenge.

Yes, the stomach bug seems to have run it's coarse.  Amazingly, somehow I don't seem to have gained any weight, yet.  And I'm back to reality now, what with the realistic realization that I just don't lose any weight at all...unless, that is, well, I exercise.  But who wants to do that?  Everything is too tight and my butt looks too big because I'm overweight, so there's no way I'm going to go a walking outside alone, and the power yoga is so, well, it's complicated, I'll talk about it later.

I feel like an absolute complete idiot, and I am also very aware that I am acting like a total teenager, but I like me some Wii fit obstacle coarse.  And it works, it gets my heart rate up, I'm sort of sweaty and winded, and I can continue to hide myself in my cocoon until I'm properly showered and dressed.

stomach bug has defeated me

I have met my mortal enemy.  Everyone has one, or some, and this seems to be mine, as least as far as a low carb approach is concerned.

There were many warning signs.....like, when a kid actually stops eating a chocolately chocolate mousse birthday cake because he says it tastes funny.  (warning!!!)  Okay well there were others but that really is the main one.  And then, midnight, drifting off to sleep in a luxury hotel, (the first one I've been in, for 10 whole years) (and by luxury, I don't really mean luxury, I just mean kinda not crappy, and the sheets feel nice.)

"My tunny hurts!"   Bleech.  All over the sheets, the blanket, soaking through almost to the mattress.  Panicked run to bathroom for more towels, and then, again.  Bleah.  Desperation calls for the ice bucket.
(I can never use an ice bucket in a hotel again, now that I realize their true use.)  Let's just say I left a very large tip for housekeeping.

And now me.  And what can I eat?  I seriously ponder the possibility of not eating anything, since I can't stand the thought of meat.  I gently caress the box of crackers that I've given my youngest pukey son.  I try not to resent him, gazing up at me with his deep dark sickly eyes with dark circles underneath, surrounded by his sweaty smelly curls stuck to his forehead.  How come he gets to eat all the good stuff.

In the end, it's the box of wholesome O's (they are pretending to be Cheerios).  I pour in the milk, and.....I don't think I've ever enjoyed a bowl of cereal as much in my entire life.  Sorry, low carb diet, I guess there's just some situations where it just does not work.

I'm stressed and I want food

I am stressed and I want food.  Good food.
Crunch crunch

I don't have a job
crunch

Don't have no dollars
crunch

and other things I won't talk about
crunch crunch crunch

Oh chocolate, where can you be.  Even a bunny ear, would be so sweet.

Annoying bedtime facts

He is silent, brow furrowed in worried concentration, holding up The Book 3 inches from his eyeballs as he reads it in bed.  I am trying to enjoy my mindless game of online backgammon, the only time in my day when I can enjoy mindlessness, as nobody (i.e. Children) are asking me relentless mundane factual questions about the nature of the number Pi, or informing me about the different levels of minecraft (online video game) because I really really really need to know these things.  No.  They are asleep, and nobody is bothering me, and my mind is at rest, joyfully scanning those little computer circles.

Uh oh.  He turns his head to me.  Silence.  Intake of breath.  "You know....."
Pause.
Already, I hate the damn Book.

"Animal fat can cause breast cancer."

"I hate you, don't ruin my backgammon game," I think silently.  "Hmmm," I say instead.

And three more factoids like that fly at me, as I am trying to relax.

"You really should read this book, you know."

Until finally I lose it, and start quoting my own damn facts, and point and gesture to the whole shelf of books that I have read over the past 7 years about my whole entire eating philosophy.  By then, he remembers that it is not a good thing to do, to interrupt my sacred end of day quiet time.  Too late, I am tense and hyperventilating, not at all relaxed, and we are about to get into a big fight.  He backs off, but the effect remains, and it takes me another 45 minutes to calm down enough to go to sleep for the night.

it's the "cave man" diet???

This is the first that I have heard this term in terms of the low carb diet.  And can I just express how very much I utterly and completely dislike this term!

What woman wants to strive to be a cave man!  Doesn't exactly conjure up the most attractive of images, now does it?  Most people probably have the same sort of picture in their minds as me, from some bad 1970's movie, a hairy, hunched over, growling guy with a club.  Not to mention, no manicure, no pedicure, no soap whatsoever, terrible dental work or rather complete lack thereof.

I was going to say the ripped loincloth was also unattractive, but that has been disproven, due to the movie "Blue Lagoon" with Brooke Shields, and that blonde guy.

Can't there be some other, gentler, more polished term to describe a low carb diet?  How about, gleaming soapy smoothness.  Or, insulin reducing fantasticness.  Whatever.  I'm not very good at this.

It makes no logical sense

Why I would be enticed by the advertised deal at IKEA, to get a free meal, if I spent $100.  Boy, I am EVER their target customer, and then some.  I was so excited by this idea, that I could combine their various entrees (I got three of them) in order to make myself up a complete low carb meal.  Excluding the high carb sides of carrots and potatoes, I got cooked yummy white fish, some ceasar salad, and some lox!  What fun!

Psychological experts, those Swedes.  Because I was in such a good mood from all my "free food" that I went and spent about $400 on mediocre curtains, and lamps for my kids that look like aliens after you work for 3 hours to put them together!

It's all fun and games, until you have to go back, and deal with the returns department.  (And let's not even talk about how un-fun those credit card bills are gonna be.)  Then you find out.  "TAKE A NUMBER".  (the number machine is broken, I protest!)  Try to be nice as they look at you accusingly, like "How stupid are you to not know how to fix the number machine, plus, we know it was probably you who broke it.  Idiot."  Then you sit there for an hour, trying to resist the smell of cinnamon buns.  Then you find out, if you don't have your receipt, you can only get a credit for your merchandise, which only leads to more shopping, and so the vicious cycle continues.

George Harrison would have been terrible at dieting

And, I would have made a terrible 1960's rock star!  Let me explain.  I just read the Pattie Boyd autobiography titled "Wonderful Tonight," you know, the gorgeous blonde who was married to George Harrison.  And I cannot help but wonder about the extremes in his behavior.  According to her and her book, he would spend months holed away in his meditating room, hardly speaking to anyone, immersing himself in chanting and holiness.  And then he would go on a bender, with the drinking and the drugs and the women, all at once, (much to poor Pattie's unhappiness.) 

Is this not too much unlike dieting?  Or rather, the dysfunctional cycle that so many of us women, and some men, seem to put ourselves through?  We cheat on our diets by giving in and feel like "to hell with it," and before you know it, we've eaten a whole cake.  Then the next morning, we feel guilty and don't eat anything except celery until we can't stand it anymore.  And on and on it goes....

Don't get me wrong, I love George Harrison, he was my favorite Beatle.  And I can feel some sympathy for his behavior (especially since I wasn't married to him), since it just seems to come from the same inner spiritual void that we all seem to feel.  I really think that if I'd been a male 60's rock star, I would have acted in exactly the same manner.

clothing freak out

Why are clothes so mean?  Why are they all designed for Twiggy?  Aren't the 60's supposed to be over already?  Even when I was young and thin, this was a problem, because I always had a big butt.  Even when it wasn't that big, it was always bigger than the rest of me.  The result of this is that I always felt too big, even when I wasn't.

I long for clothing of another culture, like India or Africa or.....well what do they wear in the middle east, besides belly dancing costumes and burkas?  At least all these places accomodate women's natural curvature.  Beautiful colorful flowing silk saris.  Just think of all those photographs in National Geographic that nobody wanted to throw away.  An unexpected result of their beautifully dyed fabric, captured by lucky photographers in the right light, was the cliche of American hoarding, the garage full of National Geographics.  And few things feel sexier than wearing a belly dancing outfit.  Just try it!

Back in the colonial days of North America, they had a better system.  (Not that all of it was great at that time, for example, corsets certainly sucked big time.)  You had a big flowing sheath thingie underneath, like a white sack sort of fabric, and then over it you wore a tie thingie that went around your waist, but you could make it tighter or looser depending on how bloated you were.  How practical and comfy!  The most widely known illustration of this that I can think of is the dancing chick in the music video for the song "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats.  She is certainly insane but it's not because her clothing bugs her.

Anyway.  Back to my original point.  What was it?  Oh yeah, so nothing fits and I get into a rageful depression when I go shopping, angry at the designers, at the mirrors, at thin people, and at the whole shopping process.  But I have to wear something.  I'm a mom, and I don't want to look like a slob with stained clothes....."Oh, it's her....the slob mom!"

Sometimes I just come home with nothing.  "I am anti materialist!"  I say to myself.  But over the past week, I've had some sort of strange shopping reaction of the opposite sort.  I'm buying everything.  Because SOME clothes are sort of vaguely fitting, but then I find some other ones that might vaguely fit in a slightly more flattering way but just barely, and most clothes fit so horribly that if I find something that almost fits, I had better buy it because nothing will ever fit again.

The shopping bags are starting to line up.  1/4 of the bedroom is full of these bags, and I'm afraid to take any tags off!   I have spent at least over $1000, which I cannot do at all.  Every night and every morning I stare at the growing pile.  It scares me, but oddly I find it satisfying in a way.  Because even though most of the clothing is only visiting, soon they will be going back to the store, they are evidence that sometimes, some way, somehow, somthing fits.

I hate it when skinny people complain about their weight

Note to skinny people: WE HATE YOU.

Now, I don't mean that we really hate you.  We would like you just fine.  If you would just. Stop. Talking. About your weight!  You are twigs!!!!  And here I am standing with my round, bodacious, abundant butt, and you ladies, looking like twiggy, are complaining??? Why in God's name, why?

Remember that lady in Weight Watchers?  Yes, there is always one.  That one.  Who has to lose five pounds.  And the rest of us chubbies are sitting around, listening with barely veiled growling teethy stress, about her trouble losing those....last five pounds.  Does she not have any idea that she is sitting in a room, palpably building up extreme hatred for herself?  It could be dangerous to make so many enemies in the same town, particularly if we all start to synch our cycles together.

Worst of all, one of these people, is my damn VEGAN HUSBAND.  Heretofore to be known as my VEGHUS.  or how about VH.  Yes, I have to admit that so far, he is winning.  He must have lost about 20 or 30 pounds, but I am too mad to ask.  I have lost about 5.....probably because this diet is extremely unforgiving of the occasional cheat treat.  And the lack of exercise.

Speaking of which, I should really go and take a walk.  But I haven't given up yet. I will not let him gloat. 

I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this stupid diet because I am lazy

and this diet takes ALOTof work.  I was getting fed up, because I keep losing weight on my week of drinking protein shakes, and then gaining it back again when I do my "meat week."  But then I thought, I have to be honest, I am not really following the diet on that week, plus I am not REALLY exercising like I should.

It takes planning.  But if I am lazy and don't plan what I am going to eat, well, I still have to eat something.
That is where I veer of course.  I don't know what the frig to eat, so I open the refrigerator (how do you spell refridgerator???) and stare at it.  I remember that this is my low carb meat week, but what the F(*&&(* can I eat?  Sigh.......something vaguely low carb.

But the truth is, it isn't really low carb unless you are obsessed with low carb.  Really low carb means, no more than 10 carbs a meal.  That's hardly any carbs.  A few extra bites of veggies, a couple of ounces of milk, and boom, you can't lose the weight.  It's annoying.

It's annoying but you are trapped.  If you stop, you are severely punished by instant, non-comprimising extreme weight gain.  It sucks.  So here I go again, I'm getting out the darn book and writing down the freaking recipes and planning my boring grocery list and cooking.  I just wish I could get on with my life and wear clothes that fit already.

maybe I should just move, but not back to Manhattan

It's all relative.  Body perception, that is.  A good friend of mine told me yesterday about this glorious place in upstate New York, called...Buffalo New York!  Apparently, in Buffalo, she claims, she feels extremely thin, because of the many huge obese people there.  It is so, sadly commonplace there, she claims to see very overweight people at the all you can eat buffets, which specialize in barbeque ribs and such greasy yummy fare.

Even just writing this, I feel guilty.  The poor health of so many people shouldn't be anything to joke about.  Even worse, their emotional health is my guess as to what continues the cycle of not being able to lose the weight, combined with a cultural norm for eating alot.  If an averagely overweight person like myself (20 lbs too much) has a hard time losing weight and gets discouraged about it, I imagine that in their hearts, they just feel desperate and hopeless.

Okay, so I won't joke about it anymore.  Let me instead complain about going into Manhattan, which I do a couple of times a week.  Now, I lived in Manhattan for many years, and during that time, when I had a naturally young and svelte body, I felt nothing but fat and bulges.  What a waste!  All I saw around me were starving supermodels and ballerinas.  It's amazing, to think that, when I see a beautiful young woman in her 20's in New York, that she probably feels ugly, fat, and jealous much of the time.

And now, (some) years older and 20 pounds heavier, forget about it!  I am an elephant tromping around the concrete jungle with doe eyed giraffes gracefully prancing on by.  At least I don't live in L.A.  And at least I'm not a former actress.  Yeah, it would be so, so sad, to be a rich, overweight former actress.  Especially a successful one.  Yeah.

grossness: It's one way to lose weight

WARNING!!!!  GROSS OUT CONTENT TO FOLLOW!!!!!!!!

Who:  I imagine there are about 30 people feeling this way today, because of drunken scary zombie
What:  grossness, like I already said.  Which resulted in total appetite loss. 
Effectiveness: it's been at least 15 hours, with few signs of letting up
When: It happened last night, and yet it still lingers somehow
Where: It involved the train, which explains the motion, which combined with drunkedness and stonedness, kinda says it all
why: do you really want to know?

Yes, drunk smelly person puking on the train, continuously down the aisle, covering as much surface area as possible, spraying everyone in the aisle seats.  My coat, purse, and boots from last night are still by the front door, in a pile.  I'm afraid to go near them, I may puke. 

However, the silver lining is I hardly have any appetite!  No cheating or even eating nary an extra bite!  All that I've had to eat today is nothing!  I've only drank two protein shakes, and had two cups of coffee!  My eyes are wide open to the possibilities of grossness that NYC potentially has to offer, swiftly pointing me on the road to sveltness!

the sound of my soda

I love this time of day.  It is beautiful.  So, very beautiful.  Because my kids are not here to yell at/or to be yelled from, same with husband.  It's the only time I have, to experience this stillness.  Even at night, I can tell that it's not that quiet.  They snortle, they toss and turn, they can wake up at any moment and ask for stuff.

But now, I hear the bird chirp outside my door, a distant car.  And my soda, next to me, making that cheerful churpling bubble noise.  How often do I ever hear that, or notice it?

Soda does have some strange spiritual connections, as it turns out.  And a history of danger too!  Jason Priestley, the "father of soda pop," was a victim of arson in 1785 to his home and church, in retaliation for his unorthodox beliefs and writings.  Don't worry, it has a happy ending because, like many religious misfits, he escaped to America, ye ole land where it's fit to be weird, religiously anyway.

Not only that, but I also have read about an intruiging suggestion from an African spiritual teacher, who explains that, the best way to contact one's ancestors, is to pour soda water onto the ground, and ask for them.  Now that is cool.  Those bubbles are magical!

There are two reasons I haven't tried that yet:
(1) I am just not sure I am ready to make contact with the underworld, and
(2) My soda is too expensive to just pour on the ground, being overpriced stevia sweetened such as it is.

Does veganism make you act like an a$$?? Aka: "Where is my stevia?"

him: "Where is my stevia?"  He demands.  I shrug.  I am still in my pajamas, scrubbing the mold off of the bathroom tub tiles.  I am sort of, like, a bit busy.

him:  "Because you were the last one to see it.  Did you buy it?  You said you were going to buy it. Well, did you unpack it??  Where did you put it?  Can't you go look for it now? "
me: "Um, sorry, but I don't know where it is.  It's small.  Maybe I forgot to unpack it, and it's still in the bags, by the door.  Or maybe it dropped somewhere, I dunno, sorry."  (scrub, scrub scrub.)

him: "Well you need to go find it.  Now."

me: (glare) scrub, scrub, scrub

him:  closes the bathroom door menacingly, so the kids don't hear....."Go look for it, now.  You were the last one to have it, so you need.  To.  Go.  Look.  For.  It."

me:  "stop talking to me like that"

him:  "You need to stop talking to me in that tone of voice"

me:  "I mean it, stop it, go away"

him:  "NO.  YOU STOP."

me:  "I said, I don't know where it is, I don't know where to look, I made a mistake, okay, maybe I lost it, maybe it's in the bags, but I can't come down right now."

and on, and on and on it goes, leading to yet another weekend full of misery and silence. 

Is it the diet, or something else?

my meatloaf mush

"But.....don't you get tired of eating the same thing everyday?"  My dear friend politely hinted, with only thinly veiled bewilderment.  Well I should, and I don't know why I don't get tired of this meatloaf.  It is just meatloaf, after all, with a side of green beans and fake potatoes (really cauliflower whipped with cream.)

I think it may be the greasy, oily, buttery flavor.  With this diet you are allowed, even encouraged, to add real butter to whatever you are cooking, to drive up the fat and carb content.  And guess what.....butter is good!!!!!  Like Anthony Boidoin said in his great book "No Reservations,"* if you are eating yummy food in a restaurant and wonder why it's just so darn good, it's probably because it was cooked with tons of butter.

Right now as I am typing, my kitty cat is sitting on the kitchen table, happily licking up the remainder of my lunch.  No wonder he follows me around all over the house all day!  I'm now the source of alot of buttery/protein leftovers!

Or, maybe, it's just that if you wait long enough to eat, you get, like, really really hungry, and everything tastes pretty good at that point.

* Sorry, but I am probably spelling his name wrong.  And that may not be the correct book title.  But, really really good read, especially if you are thinking about opening a restaurant.

on and on it goes.....

And it just won't stop.  I gain 1/2 of a pound.  I loose a pound.  I make the shakes.  I bake the low carb meatloaf.  Things just stay....the same.  Once in awhile I give in to a craving, like, eating 7 pistachio nuts.  Oh, the horror.  It bores me, so, why should I care.  Anyway. 

You know how sometimes you read something, and then some obscure detail or fact just sticks in your head, in the way back corner, only to pop out and announce itself at some later time?  I'm having one of those moments, and the fact I am remembering, well it's more of a personal anectode, about a Cuban and her life.  What I found my mind couldn't let go, was that she said she only got rationed one bar of soap a month*......for some reason, my mind couldn't let go of that idea.

I mean, has she tried using the old pantyhose trick to make it last?  What about chopping it into very small pieces, and then diluting it in water, and saving the water?  Does that include use for dishes and housecleaning?  Do I use too much soap anyway, and is that why my skin gets dry in the winter?  But it's hot in Cuba, and I know when I get sweaty I really love to shower maybe two or three times a day!  That, more than the whole communism thing, would drive me insane! 

* Please note, that I'm not even sure when this was written or if it was true that she only got one bar of soap, before you get all political and chase me down for being anti-communist, because this is not a political blog, and hey, who am I to judge, maybe one bar of soap was all that she really needed, and maybe she was lying anyway, and all sorts of arguments like that.  Yeah.

my sad Whole Foods experience

The cashier had a look on her face, a mixture of sadness, pity, and panic.

"I don't think that I messed anything up...." she nervously chirped, still attempting to remain professional, as no doubt the managers were probably giving the evil eye and ear to this sweet new cashier.

"Uh, yeah, well let's see,....yeah, well the olive oil added up alot, and the cat food, and well, your meat was really expensive, ...yeah, that's what it came to all right!"

The. Bill Was..........

Oh God.  The bill was.....

I can't say it.

I can only write this in really bad french.  Le bill ette tres, tres expensive.  Quatre hundred et fiftee Euros.  I mean, dollars.  I stood at the exit, studying the receipt, to see if there was any way it could not be possible that I had broken my all time record, and possibly everyone else's, for the single most costly Whole Foods trip in the history of mankind.

Yeah, I know you're supposed to get the cold pressed olive oil, I read about that, and it was on sale, so I stocked up.
I know all about how we're supposed to get grass fed meat also, so I got me some of that, for my diet meatloaf. 
And the vegetables, well, we don't want the vegan husband to ingest a bunch of pesticides do we, and he has to eat his peppers, which he eats about 12 a week, and they are from South America or something, so there's that.
Then there's my baking ingredients, and we only want whole wheat crap, don't we, and no pesticides to retard our children, right.
And then there's the dairy, and gotta stay away from that robine growth hormone crap, and isn't it better to have pastured eggs from local farms that everyone trusts so the damn chickens can be happy and eat bugs!!!
Then there is cereal and even bread, which has to be organic to avoid soy lechitin and crap like that!!!!!

The coffee.  I admit this is probably not necessary, but it's brewed locally, it's organic and really, once you try it, you never can drink regular coffee ever ever again without gagging.  And.  It was on sale, so, I, you know......STOCKED UP. 

There you have it.  The more you read about our @#$^^ ed up food system, the more money you spend on food that doesn't poison you.  And what kind of choice is that?  Go broke or eat crap?

Dear diet, I didn't mean it......

I know I've said some things.  I know I acted aloof and yes, there was a bit of cheating and lying.  I know I said that I thought it just wasn't going to work out.

But here's the thing.  I can't quit you, baby.

Because when I try, it's just not the same.  I mean, maybe it was good to have a break for awhile, to go crazy and have korean noodle soup and frozen yogurt with chocolate.  But after awhile, you, know, you kinda want something that's more long term.

And let's face it diet, you're good for me baby. 

When I'm with you, I feel better.  I feel like I'm doing the right thing, and not like I want to drown in shame of myself.  So let's give it one more try, shall we?  Yeah I know I'm a no good lying cheat and it still may not work out in the end, but hey, I just need to get what I want out of it for as long as it's convenient, eh?

I am now sick of being on this diet

And it is very annoying.  Because I can't stop.  And I'm mad.  Cause it's just not working that good.
And it is costing me alot of money.  And for what.  So I can loose 10 pounds in the beginning and then....
just stay at the same weight?  With the threat that if I eat afew too many carbs, I'll INSTANTLY gain it all back, and I do mean instantly, like in a DAY.  Because it's happened before....

My husband is so smug.  "I've lost 11 pounds!!!!"  He brags.  And then smoooothly suggests how I might want to "give it a try, ya know, being vegan."

I know, there are so many suffering people with real problems in this world.  I listen to the BBC and it makes me cry.  And I know I'm being petty but I'm sick of having a big butt.  Sick of it. 

I guess I just have no choice but to carry on.  I suppose doing some exercise wouldn't hurt either.

I really miss eating for dysfunctional reasons, ladies you know what I mean

Because right about now I am having a high stress moment.  I question where my life is going, or rather, lack thereof, and why it feels like that myth of that dude who keeps trying to roll the boulder up the hill and it rolls back down again and oh man, I wish,,,,I had, some chocolate.

Salty, pungent, sweet, doughy goodness of procrastination eating.  Take away my stress, oh you gooey, carby, mess.

Ladies, you know what I am saying.  What's your flavor of the month?  For me, it would be sushi with dark chocolate, finished off with a lemon cake with chocolate frosting, and further finished off with some spicy pretzels.  One of my friends only wants to eat barbeque potato chips.

Let me just say it.  Donuts.  With. Coffee.  Not even in my non-dieting days do I permit myself this extremely sinful delight.  But the other day, walking out of the subway near Herald Square, and you New Yorkers know the one I'm talking about, the one with the scary dark corner where Voldemort-after-too-much-acid often hangs out, growling at all passers-by while they pretend they don't notice him, and God knows what is on those stairs.  Radioactive rat shit with plague virus dripping on the concrete. 

But that night, along with all the usual reasons I am reminded to remove my shoes at the door when I come home, were the flourescent glowing colors of frosting.  Someone had dropped an entire box of dunkin donuts, and they had cascaded down the subway stairs, creating a horrifying rainbow display, each step a different flavor and style. 

It was food porn, New York style.  Jelly filled, cream filled, chocolate frosted.  Disgusting and fascinating and tempting, I hated myself for the urges I had to pick them up and bite into them, as I gazed at the lovely sugary circles, sadly sitting on the filth.  The most difficult to pass by was the bright pink one near the top of the stairs, with rainbow sprinkles.  It just looked so pretty, this sad rejected piece of toxic carb temporary bliss.

I guess whoever dropped them, correctly realized that the five second rule does not apply in the toxic sewers that are subway steps.  And I had to admit they were probably right.

artificial sweeteners are just starting to taste so gross

I used to be a five-spoons-o'-sugar in my cupa coffee every day kinda gal.  I had a particularly boring job, and the more boring the job got, the greater my caffeine/sugar combo addiction became, until I think I just because so immune to the effects that it became more of a pain to drink all that coffee and then have to pee, all day long, as it still wasn't keeping me awake anyway.

And then, someone made a radical suggestion.  Coffee without sugar.  BLECH!  I thought, until I cut it down, little by little, and voila.  I LOVED coffee with no sugar.  It tasted great, even better than before!  I think that the taste of sugar in our culture is so predominant, that we don't even know what real food is supposed to taste like without it.  Now, the taste of sweetened coffee makes me want to puke.

So, for my diet, I am alternating meat week, with "shake week."  Where I drink three protein shakes a day, and only eat one actual meal.  I faithfully followed the prescribed recipe for this shake, which includes whey protein powder, some kind of freaky amino acid, cream, and a packet of artificial sweetner.  It tasted okay, until one day I realized that I had forgotten to add the packet....and the shake tasted fine.

Thinking it must be generally healthier, I started omitting the sweetener packet.  But today I followed the recipe for "chai tea" fake shake stuff, and I didn't realize the chai tea in a box comes pre-sweetened.  Drinking this stuff, all I could taste was that sickening "sweet" taste which actually doesn't really taste sweet if you really focus on it, but more of a gross, happy elf-on-crack, singing carols in a screetchy voice kind of sweet. 

Being stuck at the car dealership, waiting for the mechanics to "work hard on correctly installing" some crap as they charged me by the hour, I really had to choice but to drink it, cause it was either that or Taco Bell.  Oh man that sounds good all right, but I still have to loose about 20 pounds.  I drank it down, hating every sip more than the last, and now I feel like I want to puke.  I think now I"ll just make my own damn chai tea, unsweetened.

Does veganism cause brain fog????

I am starting to believe it is true.  The brain is composed of fat, and needs fats and oils in order to function well.  Since my hubby's diet doesn't even allow him to eat nuts or olive oil, or any oil of any kind, I am really getting freaked out at his increased spaciness.

In fact, his spaciness recently caused us to spend an unnecessarily large sum of money, at a local car dealership, where they waited until after lunch time, and then had him sign a bunch of papers as he grew increasingly starving and faint.  This cost us an extra $600 in bogus fees, but I suppose it could have been worse.

But still, this is really out of character for him, and especially since at home we went over all the fees that we would agree to pay, and those we would not.

Word to the wise.  If you're going to in and negotiate buying a car, bring yourself some substantial lunch, like a grass fed hamburger with avocado!

what a low carb way to party

So, my hubby and I had reason to celebrate a successful business transaction.....yeah that sounds so cool, doesn't it?  What I really mean is that we spent a whole lot of money that we don't have with a loan that's going to cost us even more, and yet somehow we are happy because we feel like we didn't get too screwed over.  That's the American way, isn't it.

Yeah it was time to party, but then the pathetic sadness began.  Because in my non-diet days, I would have partied down with some rocking sushi rolls, dark chocolate, and some good beer or wine.  Plus, there may have been fried appetizers....and cake!  Or at least some frozen yogurt.

"I guess we can go to the Japanese restaurant"..we meekly agreed.  The only thing I could think to order was a plate of sashimi, and the only thing hubby could order was PLAIN BROWN RICE AND STEAMED VEGGIES which is just SAD!!!!  And no booze.   Noooo booooze.  Nada saki.

The first quarter tasted okay, the second quarter was bearable, but then my body protested....."no more raw crap fish"  it was saying.  So I had to stop eating, dreading a night of stomach pain.  Hubby ate his pathetic peasant plate and looked sad as he pushed the big sliced moon shaped vegetables around in various arrangements.

It's just not quite the same.

Meat week

It's week five of my low carb diet.  the past two weeks, I only had 3 protein shakes a day, and just one solid meal.  This week, all of a sudden, for metabolic reasons, I am supposed to eat 3 meat meals with a side of veggies (totalling now more than 10 carbs), and then if I am hungry, I can snack on.......more meat, or fish, or eggs.

This, according to the book "The 6 Week Cure for the Middle Aged Middle" is supposed to rev up my metabolism, and yet at the same time, to not store any of those excess calories because of the very low amount of carbs I will be taking in.

I'm often left wondering--what the hell can I eat???

I am a foodie snob, plus I try to be as conscientious as I can about animal welfare, and still be a carnivore, which means that I shop at the mother of all grocery stores---Whole Foods, aka Whole Paycheck.  I admit I am lazy.  I've met people who buy cow shares, who take field trips to farms so they can see for themselves how the animals are raised etc.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to do all those things, and maybe someday I will.....when I have time, but in the meantime, I still spend outrageous amounts at the common haven for those seeding a quick fix to a very profound fundamental question.

To make matters worse, besides the face that Whole Foods clearly pushes their vegetarian agenda in your face, is that they have this bizarre new numbers rating system, from 1 to 4, where I guess 4 means the animals were played harp music, and 1 means they were sort of not given as much poison crap to eat as most factory farmed meat.  The problem is, most of the meat has no number at all, then then the rest are labeles as 1, and then there's a very few primo meats that are labeled as 4.

So of course, me being me I pick the 4 meat and rethink whether or not I really need to pay the mortgage this month because well, it's meat week, and I needed to make four awesome meatloafs!  And make the I did  You should have seen my cats salivating.  4 meatloafs.  2 lbs ground beef, grassfed from Skillman farms, 2 lbs ground pork, outrageously $s but had that #4 rating, and 2 lbs of ground lamb, which had no number, but neither did any other lamb.  Too bad they don't patronize Bobolink farms, which is awesome and local.

Now my 4 greasy, meaty, delicious loafs are steaming hot and ready to eat.  Yum.  Oh, and I picked up some canned chickpease and potatoes for my hubby.  So sad.

We are on opposite diets

So, my husband and I have each decided that we would like to loose afew pounds.  Well, more like 10 or 20 to be more correct.  I am a big fan of the low carb approach, which works by lowers your insulin levels among alot of other cool chemical/hormonal things, to make you loose a ton.  My idiot husband however, has taken the exact opposite approach, and has decided to eat...almost nothing, aka "vegan."  Not only vegan, but no oils, nuts, etc.  Just whole grains, boiled potatoes, basically everything I can't eat.

I THINK HE"S CRAZY!
But.....

I have to say, that our food bill has completely turned around since we both shopped for our respective diets. 
There used to be a late night food raid, and nothing lasted more than a day or two.  Now, I can keep breaded chicken for the kids in the fridge for a week.

It's going on three weeks now, and we've both lost about the same amount of weight, seven pounds or so.

But......I've noticed some changes in hubbies behavior, notably more irritable, short tempered.  Could it be the diet? 

I think it may be a good idea to have a place here to write down what does down each day and keep track, so here we go!