on and on it goes.....

And it just won't stop.  I gain 1/2 of a pound.  I loose a pound.  I make the shakes.  I bake the low carb meatloaf.  Things just stay....the same.  Once in awhile I give in to a craving, like, eating 7 pistachio nuts.  Oh, the horror.  It bores me, so, why should I care.  Anyway. 

You know how sometimes you read something, and then some obscure detail or fact just sticks in your head, in the way back corner, only to pop out and announce itself at some later time?  I'm having one of those moments, and the fact I am remembering, well it's more of a personal anectode, about a Cuban and her life.  What I found my mind couldn't let go, was that she said she only got rationed one bar of soap a month*......for some reason, my mind couldn't let go of that idea.

I mean, has she tried using the old pantyhose trick to make it last?  What about chopping it into very small pieces, and then diluting it in water, and saving the water?  Does that include use for dishes and housecleaning?  Do I use too much soap anyway, and is that why my skin gets dry in the winter?  But it's hot in Cuba, and I know when I get sweaty I really love to shower maybe two or three times a day!  That, more than the whole communism thing, would drive me insane! 

* Please note, that I'm not even sure when this was written or if it was true that she only got one bar of soap, before you get all political and chase me down for being anti-communist, because this is not a political blog, and hey, who am I to judge, maybe one bar of soap was all that she really needed, and maybe she was lying anyway, and all sorts of arguments like that.  Yeah.

my sad Whole Foods experience

The cashier had a look on her face, a mixture of sadness, pity, and panic.

"I don't think that I messed anything up...." she nervously chirped, still attempting to remain professional, as no doubt the managers were probably giving the evil eye and ear to this sweet new cashier.

"Uh, yeah, well let's see,....yeah, well the olive oil added up alot, and the cat food, and well, your meat was really expensive, ...yeah, that's what it came to all right!"

The. Bill Was..........

Oh God.  The bill was.....

I can't say it.

I can only write this in really bad french.  Le bill ette tres, tres expensive.  Quatre hundred et fiftee Euros.  I mean, dollars.  I stood at the exit, studying the receipt, to see if there was any way it could not be possible that I had broken my all time record, and possibly everyone else's, for the single most costly Whole Foods trip in the history of mankind.

Yeah, I know you're supposed to get the cold pressed olive oil, I read about that, and it was on sale, so I stocked up.
I know all about how we're supposed to get grass fed meat also, so I got me some of that, for my diet meatloaf. 
And the vegetables, well, we don't want the vegan husband to ingest a bunch of pesticides do we, and he has to eat his peppers, which he eats about 12 a week, and they are from South America or something, so there's that.
Then there's my baking ingredients, and we only want whole wheat crap, don't we, and no pesticides to retard our children, right.
And then there's the dairy, and gotta stay away from that robine growth hormone crap, and isn't it better to have pastured eggs from local farms that everyone trusts so the damn chickens can be happy and eat bugs!!!
Then there is cereal and even bread, which has to be organic to avoid soy lechitin and crap like that!!!!!

The coffee.  I admit this is probably not necessary, but it's brewed locally, it's organic and really, once you try it, you never can drink regular coffee ever ever again without gagging.  And.  It was on sale, so, I, you know......STOCKED UP. 

There you have it.  The more you read about our @#$^^ ed up food system, the more money you spend on food that doesn't poison you.  And what kind of choice is that?  Go broke or eat crap?

Dear diet, I didn't mean it......

I know I've said some things.  I know I acted aloof and yes, there was a bit of cheating and lying.  I know I said that I thought it just wasn't going to work out.

But here's the thing.  I can't quit you, baby.

Because when I try, it's just not the same.  I mean, maybe it was good to have a break for awhile, to go crazy and have korean noodle soup and frozen yogurt with chocolate.  But after awhile, you, know, you kinda want something that's more long term.

And let's face it diet, you're good for me baby. 

When I'm with you, I feel better.  I feel like I'm doing the right thing, and not like I want to drown in shame of myself.  So let's give it one more try, shall we?  Yeah I know I'm a no good lying cheat and it still may not work out in the end, but hey, I just need to get what I want out of it for as long as it's convenient, eh?

I am now sick of being on this diet

And it is very annoying.  Because I can't stop.  And I'm mad.  Cause it's just not working that good.
And it is costing me alot of money.  And for what.  So I can loose 10 pounds in the beginning and then....
just stay at the same weight?  With the threat that if I eat afew too many carbs, I'll INSTANTLY gain it all back, and I do mean instantly, like in a DAY.  Because it's happened before....

My husband is so smug.  "I've lost 11 pounds!!!!"  He brags.  And then smoooothly suggests how I might want to "give it a try, ya know, being vegan."

I know, there are so many suffering people with real problems in this world.  I listen to the BBC and it makes me cry.  And I know I'm being petty but I'm sick of having a big butt.  Sick of it. 

I guess I just have no choice but to carry on.  I suppose doing some exercise wouldn't hurt either.