hey kiddo, when you're at school, I'll play your video games

Now, go to school and learn stuff, so I can stay home and play Wii fit!  Yes, while you are bored in math class, I will be comparing the statistics of my ultimate high schore on the obstacle coarse, and see if I beat any 11 year olds in the boxing challenge.

Yes, the stomach bug seems to have run it's coarse.  Amazingly, somehow I don't seem to have gained any weight, yet.  And I'm back to reality now, what with the realistic realization that I just don't lose any weight at all...unless, that is, well, I exercise.  But who wants to do that?  Everything is too tight and my butt looks too big because I'm overweight, so there's no way I'm going to go a walking outside alone, and the power yoga is so, well, it's complicated, I'll talk about it later.

I feel like an absolute complete idiot, and I am also very aware that I am acting like a total teenager, but I like me some Wii fit obstacle coarse.  And it works, it gets my heart rate up, I'm sort of sweaty and winded, and I can continue to hide myself in my cocoon until I'm properly showered and dressed.

stomach bug has defeated me

I have met my mortal enemy.  Everyone has one, or some, and this seems to be mine, as least as far as a low carb approach is concerned.

There were many warning signs.....like, when a kid actually stops eating a chocolately chocolate mousse birthday cake because he says it tastes funny.  (warning!!!)  Okay well there were others but that really is the main one.  And then, midnight, drifting off to sleep in a luxury hotel, (the first one I've been in, for 10 whole years) (and by luxury, I don't really mean luxury, I just mean kinda not crappy, and the sheets feel nice.)

"My tunny hurts!"   Bleech.  All over the sheets, the blanket, soaking through almost to the mattress.  Panicked run to bathroom for more towels, and then, again.  Bleah.  Desperation calls for the ice bucket.
(I can never use an ice bucket in a hotel again, now that I realize their true use.)  Let's just say I left a very large tip for housekeeping.

And now me.  And what can I eat?  I seriously ponder the possibility of not eating anything, since I can't stand the thought of meat.  I gently caress the box of crackers that I've given my youngest pukey son.  I try not to resent him, gazing up at me with his deep dark sickly eyes with dark circles underneath, surrounded by his sweaty smelly curls stuck to his forehead.  How come he gets to eat all the good stuff.

In the end, it's the box of wholesome O's (they are pretending to be Cheerios).  I pour in the milk, and.....I don't think I've ever enjoyed a bowl of cereal as much in my entire life.  Sorry, low carb diet, I guess there's just some situations where it just does not work.

I'm stressed and I want food

I am stressed and I want food.  Good food.
Crunch crunch

I don't have a job
crunch

Don't have no dollars
crunch

and other things I won't talk about
crunch crunch crunch

Oh chocolate, where can you be.  Even a bunny ear, would be so sweet.

Annoying bedtime facts

He is silent, brow furrowed in worried concentration, holding up The Book 3 inches from his eyeballs as he reads it in bed.  I am trying to enjoy my mindless game of online backgammon, the only time in my day when I can enjoy mindlessness, as nobody (i.e. Children) are asking me relentless mundane factual questions about the nature of the number Pi, or informing me about the different levels of minecraft (online video game) because I really really really need to know these things.  No.  They are asleep, and nobody is bothering me, and my mind is at rest, joyfully scanning those little computer circles.

Uh oh.  He turns his head to me.  Silence.  Intake of breath.  "You know....."
Pause.
Already, I hate the damn Book.

"Animal fat can cause breast cancer."

"I hate you, don't ruin my backgammon game," I think silently.  "Hmmm," I say instead.

And three more factoids like that fly at me, as I am trying to relax.

"You really should read this book, you know."

Until finally I lose it, and start quoting my own damn facts, and point and gesture to the whole shelf of books that I have read over the past 7 years about my whole entire eating philosophy.  By then, he remembers that it is not a good thing to do, to interrupt my sacred end of day quiet time.  Too late, I am tense and hyperventilating, not at all relaxed, and we are about to get into a big fight.  He backs off, but the effect remains, and it takes me another 45 minutes to calm down enough to go to sleep for the night.

it's the "cave man" diet???

This is the first that I have heard this term in terms of the low carb diet.  And can I just express how very much I utterly and completely dislike this term!

What woman wants to strive to be a cave man!  Doesn't exactly conjure up the most attractive of images, now does it?  Most people probably have the same sort of picture in their minds as me, from some bad 1970's movie, a hairy, hunched over, growling guy with a club.  Not to mention, no manicure, no pedicure, no soap whatsoever, terrible dental work or rather complete lack thereof.

I was going to say the ripped loincloth was also unattractive, but that has been disproven, due to the movie "Blue Lagoon" with Brooke Shields, and that blonde guy.

Can't there be some other, gentler, more polished term to describe a low carb diet?  How about, gleaming soapy smoothness.  Or, insulin reducing fantasticness.  Whatever.  I'm not very good at this.

It makes no logical sense

Why I would be enticed by the advertised deal at IKEA, to get a free meal, if I spent $100.  Boy, I am EVER their target customer, and then some.  I was so excited by this idea, that I could combine their various entrees (I got three of them) in order to make myself up a complete low carb meal.  Excluding the high carb sides of carrots and potatoes, I got cooked yummy white fish, some ceasar salad, and some lox!  What fun!

Psychological experts, those Swedes.  Because I was in such a good mood from all my "free food" that I went and spent about $400 on mediocre curtains, and lamps for my kids that look like aliens after you work for 3 hours to put them together!

It's all fun and games, until you have to go back, and deal with the returns department.  (And let's not even talk about how un-fun those credit card bills are gonna be.)  Then you find out.  "TAKE A NUMBER".  (the number machine is broken, I protest!)  Try to be nice as they look at you accusingly, like "How stupid are you to not know how to fix the number machine, plus, we know it was probably you who broke it.  Idiot."  Then you sit there for an hour, trying to resist the smell of cinnamon buns.  Then you find out, if you don't have your receipt, you can only get a credit for your merchandise, which only leads to more shopping, and so the vicious cycle continues.

George Harrison would have been terrible at dieting

And, I would have made a terrible 1960's rock star!  Let me explain.  I just read the Pattie Boyd autobiography titled "Wonderful Tonight," you know, the gorgeous blonde who was married to George Harrison.  And I cannot help but wonder about the extremes in his behavior.  According to her and her book, he would spend months holed away in his meditating room, hardly speaking to anyone, immersing himself in chanting and holiness.  And then he would go on a bender, with the drinking and the drugs and the women, all at once, (much to poor Pattie's unhappiness.) 

Is this not too much unlike dieting?  Or rather, the dysfunctional cycle that so many of us women, and some men, seem to put ourselves through?  We cheat on our diets by giving in and feel like "to hell with it," and before you know it, we've eaten a whole cake.  Then the next morning, we feel guilty and don't eat anything except celery until we can't stand it anymore.  And on and on it goes....

Don't get me wrong, I love George Harrison, he was my favorite Beatle.  And I can feel some sympathy for his behavior (especially since I wasn't married to him), since it just seems to come from the same inner spiritual void that we all seem to feel.  I really think that if I'd been a male 60's rock star, I would have acted in exactly the same manner.