on and on it goes.....

And it just won't stop.  I gain 1/2 of a pound.  I loose a pound.  I make the shakes.  I bake the low carb meatloaf.  Things just stay....the same.  Once in awhile I give in to a craving, like, eating 7 pistachio nuts.  Oh, the horror.  It bores me, so, why should I care.  Anyway. 

You know how sometimes you read something, and then some obscure detail or fact just sticks in your head, in the way back corner, only to pop out and announce itself at some later time?  I'm having one of those moments, and the fact I am remembering, well it's more of a personal anectode, about a Cuban and her life.  What I found my mind couldn't let go, was that she said she only got rationed one bar of soap a month*......for some reason, my mind couldn't let go of that idea.

I mean, has she tried using the old pantyhose trick to make it last?  What about chopping it into very small pieces, and then diluting it in water, and saving the water?  Does that include use for dishes and housecleaning?  Do I use too much soap anyway, and is that why my skin gets dry in the winter?  But it's hot in Cuba, and I know when I get sweaty I really love to shower maybe two or three times a day!  That, more than the whole communism thing, would drive me insane! 

* Please note, that I'm not even sure when this was written or if it was true that she only got one bar of soap, before you get all political and chase me down for being anti-communist, because this is not a political blog, and hey, who am I to judge, maybe one bar of soap was all that she really needed, and maybe she was lying anyway, and all sorts of arguments like that.  Yeah.

my sad Whole Foods experience

The cashier had a look on her face, a mixture of sadness, pity, and panic.

"I don't think that I messed anything up...." she nervously chirped, still attempting to remain professional, as no doubt the managers were probably giving the evil eye and ear to this sweet new cashier.

"Uh, yeah, well let's see,....yeah, well the olive oil added up alot, and the cat food, and well, your meat was really expensive, ...yeah, that's what it came to all right!"

The. Bill Was..........

Oh God.  The bill was.....

I can't say it.

I can only write this in really bad french.  Le bill ette tres, tres expensive.  Quatre hundred et fiftee Euros.  I mean, dollars.  I stood at the exit, studying the receipt, to see if there was any way it could not be possible that I had broken my all time record, and possibly everyone else's, for the single most costly Whole Foods trip in the history of mankind.

Yeah, I know you're supposed to get the cold pressed olive oil, I read about that, and it was on sale, so I stocked up.
I know all about how we're supposed to get grass fed meat also, so I got me some of that, for my diet meatloaf. 
And the vegetables, well, we don't want the vegan husband to ingest a bunch of pesticides do we, and he has to eat his peppers, which he eats about 12 a week, and they are from South America or something, so there's that.
Then there's my baking ingredients, and we only want whole wheat crap, don't we, and no pesticides to retard our children, right.
And then there's the dairy, and gotta stay away from that robine growth hormone crap, and isn't it better to have pastured eggs from local farms that everyone trusts so the damn chickens can be happy and eat bugs!!!
Then there is cereal and even bread, which has to be organic to avoid soy lechitin and crap like that!!!!!

The coffee.  I admit this is probably not necessary, but it's brewed locally, it's organic and really, once you try it, you never can drink regular coffee ever ever again without gagging.  And.  It was on sale, so, I, you know......STOCKED UP. 

There you have it.  The more you read about our @#$^^ ed up food system, the more money you spend on food that doesn't poison you.  And what kind of choice is that?  Go broke or eat crap?

Dear diet, I didn't mean it......

I know I've said some things.  I know I acted aloof and yes, there was a bit of cheating and lying.  I know I said that I thought it just wasn't going to work out.

But here's the thing.  I can't quit you, baby.

Because when I try, it's just not the same.  I mean, maybe it was good to have a break for awhile, to go crazy and have korean noodle soup and frozen yogurt with chocolate.  But after awhile, you, know, you kinda want something that's more long term.

And let's face it diet, you're good for me baby. 

When I'm with you, I feel better.  I feel like I'm doing the right thing, and not like I want to drown in shame of myself.  So let's give it one more try, shall we?  Yeah I know I'm a no good lying cheat and it still may not work out in the end, but hey, I just need to get what I want out of it for as long as it's convenient, eh?

I am now sick of being on this diet

And it is very annoying.  Because I can't stop.  And I'm mad.  Cause it's just not working that good.
And it is costing me alot of money.  And for what.  So I can loose 10 pounds in the beginning and then....
just stay at the same weight?  With the threat that if I eat afew too many carbs, I'll INSTANTLY gain it all back, and I do mean instantly, like in a DAY.  Because it's happened before....

My husband is so smug.  "I've lost 11 pounds!!!!"  He brags.  And then smoooothly suggests how I might want to "give it a try, ya know, being vegan."

I know, there are so many suffering people with real problems in this world.  I listen to the BBC and it makes me cry.  And I know I'm being petty but I'm sick of having a big butt.  Sick of it. 

I guess I just have no choice but to carry on.  I suppose doing some exercise wouldn't hurt either.

I really miss eating for dysfunctional reasons, ladies you know what I mean

Because right about now I am having a high stress moment.  I question where my life is going, or rather, lack thereof, and why it feels like that myth of that dude who keeps trying to roll the boulder up the hill and it rolls back down again and oh man, I wish,,,,I had, some chocolate.

Salty, pungent, sweet, doughy goodness of procrastination eating.  Take away my stress, oh you gooey, carby, mess.

Ladies, you know what I am saying.  What's your flavor of the month?  For me, it would be sushi with dark chocolate, finished off with a lemon cake with chocolate frosting, and further finished off with some spicy pretzels.  One of my friends only wants to eat barbeque potato chips.

Let me just say it.  Donuts.  With. Coffee.  Not even in my non-dieting days do I permit myself this extremely sinful delight.  But the other day, walking out of the subway near Herald Square, and you New Yorkers know the one I'm talking about, the one with the scary dark corner where Voldemort-after-too-much-acid often hangs out, growling at all passers-by while they pretend they don't notice him, and God knows what is on those stairs.  Radioactive rat shit with plague virus dripping on the concrete. 

But that night, along with all the usual reasons I am reminded to remove my shoes at the door when I come home, were the flourescent glowing colors of frosting.  Someone had dropped an entire box of dunkin donuts, and they had cascaded down the subway stairs, creating a horrifying rainbow display, each step a different flavor and style. 

It was food porn, New York style.  Jelly filled, cream filled, chocolate frosted.  Disgusting and fascinating and tempting, I hated myself for the urges I had to pick them up and bite into them, as I gazed at the lovely sugary circles, sadly sitting on the filth.  The most difficult to pass by was the bright pink one near the top of the stairs, with rainbow sprinkles.  It just looked so pretty, this sad rejected piece of toxic carb temporary bliss.

I guess whoever dropped them, correctly realized that the five second rule does not apply in the toxic sewers that are subway steps.  And I had to admit they were probably right.

artificial sweeteners are just starting to taste so gross

I used to be a five-spoons-o'-sugar in my cupa coffee every day kinda gal.  I had a particularly boring job, and the more boring the job got, the greater my caffeine/sugar combo addiction became, until I think I just because so immune to the effects that it became more of a pain to drink all that coffee and then have to pee, all day long, as it still wasn't keeping me awake anyway.

And then, someone made a radical suggestion.  Coffee without sugar.  BLECH!  I thought, until I cut it down, little by little, and voila.  I LOVED coffee with no sugar.  It tasted great, even better than before!  I think that the taste of sugar in our culture is so predominant, that we don't even know what real food is supposed to taste like without it.  Now, the taste of sweetened coffee makes me want to puke.

So, for my diet, I am alternating meat week, with "shake week."  Where I drink three protein shakes a day, and only eat one actual meal.  I faithfully followed the prescribed recipe for this shake, which includes whey protein powder, some kind of freaky amino acid, cream, and a packet of artificial sweetner.  It tasted okay, until one day I realized that I had forgotten to add the packet....and the shake tasted fine.

Thinking it must be generally healthier, I started omitting the sweetener packet.  But today I followed the recipe for "chai tea" fake shake stuff, and I didn't realize the chai tea in a box comes pre-sweetened.  Drinking this stuff, all I could taste was that sickening "sweet" taste which actually doesn't really taste sweet if you really focus on it, but more of a gross, happy elf-on-crack, singing carols in a screetchy voice kind of sweet. 

Being stuck at the car dealership, waiting for the mechanics to "work hard on correctly installing" some crap as they charged me by the hour, I really had to choice but to drink it, cause it was either that or Taco Bell.  Oh man that sounds good all right, but I still have to loose about 20 pounds.  I drank it down, hating every sip more than the last, and now I feel like I want to puke.  I think now I"ll just make my own damn chai tea, unsweetened.

Does veganism cause brain fog????

I am starting to believe it is true.  The brain is composed of fat, and needs fats and oils in order to function well.  Since my hubby's diet doesn't even allow him to eat nuts or olive oil, or any oil of any kind, I am really getting freaked out at his increased spaciness.

In fact, his spaciness recently caused us to spend an unnecessarily large sum of money, at a local car dealership, where they waited until after lunch time, and then had him sign a bunch of papers as he grew increasingly starving and faint.  This cost us an extra $600 in bogus fees, but I suppose it could have been worse.

But still, this is really out of character for him, and especially since at home we went over all the fees that we would agree to pay, and those we would not.

Word to the wise.  If you're going to in and negotiate buying a car, bring yourself some substantial lunch, like a grass fed hamburger with avocado!